Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
