someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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