I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
