smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
