So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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