he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
