Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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