Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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