the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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