theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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