birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
