I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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