you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
