I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
