my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish I only lived at night.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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