You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
