Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
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My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
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You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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