He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
