I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
