She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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