Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
