I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
