why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
