I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
