I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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