Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
