Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
