haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
