barbara walters just said penis...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
