Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
