he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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