i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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