We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
