He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
