dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
