The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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