Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
