so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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