i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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