Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
