i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
