I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
