i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
