Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Let's get the cat blown out
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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