I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
