Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
