i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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