Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
