Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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