Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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