She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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