We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
