Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
