You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
