i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
