Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
