I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
