after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
