I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
